From Sophie Ebner
At some point, many couples feel the desire to have a child together. But what if you can’t have children of your own? Adoption can help you fulfil your wish to have children after all. Catherine* did just that and adopted her son Maël* together with her husband six years ago. Since then, she has been involved in an adoption organisation and wants to facilitate an exchange between adoptive families. She and her husband are both white – their son is black. In their everyday lives, they are often exposed to racist prejudice, which Catherine didn’t know how to deal with at first. In this interview, she talks about how she reacts to discrimination today and how the adoption of her son went.
*The names have been changed to protect the anonymity of the people.
Why did you and your husband decide to adopt a child together?
»Like many couples we weren’t able to have a child biologically. My husband and I agreed very quickly that we still wanted to start a family and that the biological connections were not the most important. We immediately agreed that we wanted to adopt a child.«
Did you want to adopt a child born in France?
»When we started our adoption process, we didn’t care about the origin of the child. As soon as we had the authorisation, we applied to OAAs, which are authorised organisations for adoption. Our application was accepted and after several meetings they told us that they would agree to take our file for Haiti.«
How old did you want your child to be?
»We wanted a child between zero and four years old. Our friends already had children and we saw ourselves in this age range because most of their children had the same age. And that was a good decision because today Maël can play with them.«
How did your environment react?
»In the beginning, we didn’t talk about it much. We only told the people close to us. Most people reacted very well. Our friends were very happy and were expecting the baby with us. There were some people who were afraid that we wouldn’t be able to build an emotional relationship. Fortunately, they changed their minds once my son was there.«
What age was your son then?
»When we were offered to get to know our future son, Maël had just celebrated his fourth birthday. We met him for the first time in Haiti in 2017. We stayed twelve days in the crèche where he lived. We spent time with him there. An expert was on site to see if everything went well between us and Maël. Ten month later, we were able to come back to pick him up.«
How does it make a difference that you are white and your son is black?
»People ask more personal questions. Strangers say to me: ‘You adopted him, great! Are his parents dead?’ It’s really personal, but people are curious because it’s quite an exception. You get the impression that your child is everyone’s child. At the beginning I was asked a lot of questions and I didn’t know what to answer. Now I know how to react. If someone asks me if his mother is dead, I reply: ‘No, I’m very well, thank you.’ That way they understand that the question is inappropriate. People often told me as well: ‘Your son was lucky.’ But my son is not a humanitarian. He hasn’t been lucky either, but he has improved my life and that of my husband.«
Has your son experienced racism when interacting with other children?
»Yes, we live in a small town where there are few black people in his class. Maël didn’t speak French very well at the beginning. He arrived during the school year in April, all other children had started in September. He was mocked. As he got older, more violent things happened. Fortunately, things calmed down because he stayed with the same friends for several years. When he moved from elementary school to middle school, it started again. When you talk to the school management, nobody does anything.«
How do you react to racist incidents?
»When our son is confronted with racism, we teach him how to respond. A few years ago, we explained to him what racism is and told him that it is punished by the law. Now when it happens at school, he goes to an adult and he has realised that they help him. We also explained to him what skin color is and that the difference is just the melanin in the skin – but that otherwise we are all the same: We have two eyes, a nose, ears and arms.«
You are not only fighting against racism for your son, but you also work in an adoption agency. What is it called and what does it do?
»I am a volunteer within an association called ‘Childhood and Family of adoption of the Bas-Rhin (EFA67)’. I have been the secretary of this organisation for five years. We accompany people who want to adopt a child, people who have already adopted and adoptees. When my husband and I decided to adopt, we went to this association first. It helped us a lot. I always said that if I succeeded to adopt one day, I would volunteer at this association. It’s the only place where you can meet other adoptive parents who have been trough the same experience. It’s also good for the child because Maël sees other adopted children. He realizes that he is not the only one.«
We also offer conferences and training courses on parenting. I did a training course on everyday racism, which opened my eyes. I learned that it is the most difficult for the people affected. These are little remarks that people make in everyday life that no one will react to because they don’t think they are too mean. For example, ‘you dance well, all black people have rhythm in their blood’. I try to be more attentive and to react in such cases. Everyday racism always reminds people of color that they are black. It points their difference. My son does not want to be ‘the black boy’ or ‘the adopted boy’, he has other characteristics.«
Do you have any wishes regarding racism for the future?
»I believe that the problem is a lack of tolerance. For me, tolerance should always be addressed in everything concerning young people, whether at school, at holiday camps or in sports clubs. Someone who has a disabled child will experience the same thing. People are racist because they don’t come into contact with many people of from other cultures in everyday life. If you put them face to face with a black person or a person of a different religion, they will realize that the person is not that different.«
About the author:
Sophie is 19 and is doing a Franco-German voluntary service at the Crous in Strasbourg with the OFAJ. Next year, she wants to start studying. In general, she is interested in languages, natural sciences and social issues.
